Landlord Inferno

He was startled to hear the sounds of movement in the darkness nearby and looked around frantically in the unfamiliarly territory. With crash and a curse, a dark figure emerged from the underbrush and stumbled into the clearing.

"Well, hey stranger, you looking for the camp?" the figure said, chuckling.

"Camp?" the landlord said, still startled by the sudden appearance.

"You look kind of down on your luck friend, if you don't mind my saying so. I figured you were headed for the hobo camp down the way. You're close but lots a ways to go wrong in these damn woods. Good against the cops and townies, I guess, but hard on a feller's body getting through." The figure came close, uncomfortably close.

"I'm hardly down on my luck. I just don't know how I got here and I don't know how I got into these dirty clothes," the landlord said stiffly.

"Blackout, huh? Been on a bender? Didn't remember a thing or two in my time, too. My names Virgil and if you want, I'll take you down to the camp. I'm sure they got a fire going and maybe we can get some grub. You coming?"

The landlord studied the situation quickly. He didn't know where he was and had no desire to stumble through some woods in the hopes of finding a road or sign. He looked at the figure and decided if the stranger meant him any harm, he would not have waited this long and the idea of warmth did have its appeals.

"All right," he said, "Let's go."

"Follow me then, friend," Virgil said and headed across the clearing.

The landlord stumbled and stepped into a puddle of muddy water, which revealed a definite hole in the sole of his footwear. Grimacing against the uncomfortable freezing feeling in his toes he followed Virgil into the darkness.

Feeling his way in the darkness, the landlord tried to take stock of the situation. Try as he might, he could not remember how he got in this predicament. The last thing he could remember was being asleep in his warm bed and oh, how he wished he was there now. First priority when he reached this camp was to find out where he was and how to get to somewhere, anywhere that had a phone. He felt in his pockets but could find no coins and no wallet. Where was his wallet? What was going on? A wave of desperation came over him but he fought it down. First things first, he thought, first things first.

The landlord's thoughts were interrupted by crashing into Virgil's back.

"Hold on there, friend, just a friendly word of advice. Be careful in this place. It's friendly enough to be sure but there are certain things to be avoided, you know. Don't stare and don't ask a lot of questions. Careful what you accept for fear of the price tag attached. If you have any money, don't mention it. Fellows here might cut your throat for a quarter or a dare. I'm hoping we can find a friend of mine who'll surely set us up with a bowl of something. If we don't find him, well, I can't do your thinking for you but you could do worse than follow my lead, if you're of a mind to that is."

The landlord shuddered and nodded.

"Come on then."

Virgil pushed through edge of the undergrowth and led the landlord around a knoll and past a stand of trees into another clearing. An eerie glow lit the clearing as several garbage cans were stand at intervals with fires burning and groups of men and some women standing around them. Areas of the clearing were littered with trash and junk. Amid the clutter stood dwelling of boxes, sticks and old tents. Some had small fires with people grouped around them. The landlord followed Virgil past a row of low-lying shacks and looked away as his glances met sullen eyes and appraising stares.

A women with a small baby, looked up invitingly as the youngster suckled at her breast. A man in front of a refrigerator box scratched at imagined insects on his body and muttered a string of curses to himself. Further up the way, the landlord glanced under a lean-to and saw a woman on her back with a clothed figure on top her grunting and spasming. He caught her eye and watched as a particularly aggressive spasm startled her and she dropped a couple of nickels from her hand. She winked and the landlord shuddered yet again.

Virgil increased his speed and the landlord hurried to keep.

"Billy, you old piece of flotsam. Glad to see, pal. Not a lot of friendly faces in this crew." Virgil called.

The figure that had to be Billy separated from the group that huddled around the flaming garbage can and came forward to shake Virgil's hand. The landlord stood back and waited a proper introduction.

"You're right, Virge. Not a pretty lot. What's brings you down this way?" Billy said. "Who's this you got with you?"

"Don't know his name, Bill. Found him wandering up the way. Thought he could use some help. He don't look like one of the hard cores."

Billy stepped closer to the landlord and looked into his face. In the firelight, the landlord saw his eyes grow hard.

"I know him Virge. Yeah, I know him well. My story is no worse than most I guess. I had a successful computer software business. Things were going pretty good for a while. but the business changed and I wasn't prepared to change with it. I had some setbacks, some bad loans, some hospital bills, the usual stuff, you know. One day I was down and my rent was due. My wife was ready to leave, take my kids. I needed just a bit of time, just a bit of leeway from the landlord. I was overdue on the rent, I admit it. But that bastard had me thrown out and confiscated everything I had left of value for back rent. My wife was gone and took what was left of my life with her. I ended up on the bum."

Billy turned to Virgil.

"This is the bastard landlord who did it to me. Rico, Santo! Grab him!"

Two figures separated quickly from the group around the fire and grabbed the landlord in steely grips. He looked wildly at Virgil, who looked back blankly.

Billy came close. "You got any claims on him, Virgil?"

Virgil looked away. "I don't know him."

The landlord tried to speak but one of the men holding clamped a large, dirty hand over his mouth.

Billy laughed. "No speaking by you. You wouldn't listen. Now you will. You are going to listen to the sounds of your bones breaking."

A new voice spoke up. "Hold on Billy. No intent to cross but you just can't kill him. He needs a fair trial. We may be bums but we still are Americans. We can't fail to give due process even if ours was denied."

Billy's eyes narrowed and then he laughed again. "You're right judge. We need some entertainment. God knows not much diversion out here. Yeah, we'll try him and you can take the bench. I'll prosecute him myself. Now we need a defense attorney. Where's Clyde?

One of the men holding the landlord spoke up. "I seen him playing with himself over by the big tree."

The man with his hand clamped over the landlord's mouth laughed. "We told him the next step was knotholes."

"Well, get him over here. The constitution entitles out boy here to the best the legal profession can provide and Clyde, being a drooling idiot is definitely it," Billy said and looked around. "We need a jury."

By this time a sizable crowd was around them and the laughter was ringing. The landlord heard shouts.

"Landlord you say? Yeah, I'll be on the jury."

"Swore I'd get back my deposit someday!"

"Hey that's the bastard that threw me out, too. I'll be impartial. Oh yeah, real impartial!"

"String him up, it'll teach him a lesson."

"Yeah, my landlord kicked me out and stole my old lady. Bastard! I'll kill him for ya!

Around the trash barrel came a small figure.

Billy pulled him forward.

"You used to be a lawyer, Clyde. Here's your client.

The landlord looked at his "lawyer." Snot encrusted his nose and a long strand of drool extended from the side of his mouth and wound around his shoulder. Clyde's pants were undone and he looked around dimly. Clyde looked up at the landlord and said, "Nah guilty, yer honah."

"The defense case is opened. Seat the jury and bind the defendant," the one called the judge intoned.

The two holding the landlord quickly trussed him in electric cords and gagged him with a foul smelling rag plucked from Clyde's pocket. The landlord tried not to think of the substances it contained as he looked desperately for some kind of escape.

Virgil had moved over by the barrel and was warming himself by the fire. He looked uncomfortable but was showing no inclination to interfere with the mock trial.

The judge hit the old school desk he had taken for a bench with a hammer and said," I declare this trial open. Droolin' Clyde for the defense and Billy for the state. Are you ready to begin your case Mr. Prosecutor."

Billy repeated his story to the grunts of agreement of the crowd. Then one by one several members of the group came forward and repeated similar tales of woe. All wit his landlord the villain of his story. Stolen deposits, unfair evictions, failed repairs, death and all manner of destruction all at the hands of a landlord.

The landlord tried to speak, tried to interrupt, tried to do anything that would derail this spectacle but to no avail. His lawyer, Droolin' Clyde, was squatting next to him and was back to slowly and carefully playing with himself and emitting occasional grunts of self-satisfaction.

Suddenly all eyes were on the landlord and Clyde. The judge hit his desk.

"It is obvious that the defendant will refuse to testify in his own behalf and I think his attorney has definitely made his final summation," the judge said laughing harshly.

Clyde was leaning back with a blissful look on his face as he cleaned himself off with another rag from his pocket.

The judge hit his desk again. "I will now render my verdict! I find the defendant guilty as charged! As far as sentence..."

A man from the crowd interrupted. Boil him your honor. Boil him like a lobster! Not everyone here is a cannibal but there's some of who would like a bit of meat. Don't let him go to waste, your honor. Sentence him to the pot like a lobster!"

The judge looked thoughtful. "Well, I have no taste for the long pig myself. but never let it be said that I would deny a man a meal. Satisfy you Bill?"

"So let it be written, so let it be done!" Billy said.

The landlord watched in horror as a group brought an old bathtub out of the darkness and began to fill it with water carried from a nearby stream. Other put branches under the tub and carried burning twigs from the other fires to light them. Rico and Santo untied him, tore his clothes off and retrussed him. They carried him over to the bathtub and placed him careful in the water. it was already uncomfortably warm.

The cannibals of the camp all appeared with plates and forks. Those that weren't human flesh eaters stood to the side enjoying the denouement of the drama. Sweat began to pour off the landlord's body as the water began to heat up.

Billy watched in fascination and Clyde sat off to the side playing with himself again. Virgil was out of sight and perhaps had left.

The landlord felt himself growing faint and struggled against the bonds. The water grew hotter and hotter and...

"Wake up! Wake up! Honey you're dreaming!"

The landlord jumped up from his bed and looked around wildly. He was drenched in sweat. it was his wife that stood before him. He eyed her suspiciously.

She looked at him. "What's the matter with you? Wake up! you were dreaming. It was a nightmare."

A nightmare, the landlord thought, it was a dream. It was all a dream. All a dream. He looked at his hands and saw no electric cords. There was no gag in his mouth.

His wife began to straighten up the bedclothes. "It's not like you to sleep this late and you never have nightmares. Is something wrong?"

The landlord went into the bathroom. His wife called after him, "You remember we have those evictions to do today. Are you up to it?"

He paused in front of the sink and stared into the mirror.